The Banana in the Bathtub

Okay, so I’m trying to sell a roller desk on craigslist.


It’s a nice desk, no?

As we all know that means I have to wade through piles of scammers trying to trick me out of my money. My usual practice is to respond with the most absurd thing that I can think of. Usually, the scammers can tell that I’m not worth pursuing and they stop responding.


Today was different. Today was special. Today I was contacted by a man that I decided to call “Todd.” There was nothing I could do and nothing I could say that would dissuade Todd from continuing. Todd was determined. He was going to scam me. He was going to scam me no matter how absurd things got.

So…ya know…this is how I spent my Sunday. This is word for word. Every misspelling and punctuation error is carried over. Many of mine were on purpose (looking stupid helps string ’em along) but not all. I changed nothing.

THIS is the greatest conversation that I have ever had. I hope you enjoy:

(WARNING: Contains adult themes and some mature language.)



Scammer (11:00 AM): do you still have it for sale? Roller Desk – $250

Me (1:40 PM): I do indeed

Scammer (2:17 PM): I’m okay with the condition and the final price, Ok, I will begin with the payment asap and the Shipping Co Agent will contact you fix a good time with you for the pick up after the payment has cleared to your account, do you have PayPal account for the payment?

Me (2:30 PM): Damn it. The dildo broke off. Do you still want it?

Scammer (2:32 PM): Yes I did wanna make the repair of it

Me (2:33 PM): Okay. Ill take off the price of a dildo for you to replace it. Its been years since Ive bought one, how much does a new dildo cost these days

Scammer (2:37 PM): How much do want sale let me know so I can make the payment right now

Me (2:38 PM): First look up the dildo price for me and I will. Icant right now cause Im driving

Scammer (2:38 PM): I am waiting for your respond before I make the payment

Me (2:38 PM): See prev txt

Scammer (2:40 PM): When you pack get back to me

Me (2:50 PM): I dont want to cheat you. I dont feel comfortable naming a price until you tell me how much to take off for the dildo

Me (3:00 PM): Does $20 off sound fair

Scammer (3:41 PM): the amount you right there is $250

Me (4:24 PM): Im saying is it okay if I take $20 off for the broken Dildo?

Scammer (4:26 PM): okay how many do you have?

Me (4:26 PM): Sex chairs? Just the two

Me (4:26 PM): The second one is more high end. I wouldnt want to part with it for less than 6k

Scammer (4:30 PM): okay are you going to sale if for me so I can make the payment together

Scammer (4:31 PM): ?

Me (4:31 PM): Both of them?

Scammer (4: 33 PM): yes

Me (4:34 PM): K so together it should be 9,980$. sound fair?

Scammer (4:34 PM): send me the other one pic?

Me (4:36 PM): microphone-sitting-on-a-dinning-room-chair

Me (4:37 PM): Look ok?

Scammer (4:38 PM): how much is both so I can make the payment?

Me (4:38 PM): $9980

Scammer (4:44 PM): send me your paypal with your email so I can make the payment right now?

Me (4:45 PM): I was hoping cashiers check

Scammer (4:46 PM): I am busy at work I can only pay you through paypal

Me (4:49 PM): K. Email what info do you need from paypal?

Scammer (4:51 PM): -Good, get back to me with your name and your Paypal email address for the payment and I will need the pick up address for the mover to calculate my shipping cost.

Me (4:53 PM): Thats the email address. My paypal name is SlapDemCheeks36. Do you need my paypal password? Sorry for being annoying Ive never sold something with paypal

Scammer (5:02 PM): send me your name and address fpr the mover to calculate my shipping cost

Scammer (5:08 PM): i am waiting for it ?

Me (5:09 PM): Sorry. I was driving. Its 6107 Pinewood Rd Nunnelly, TN 37137

Me (5:17 PM): All good?

Me (5:28 PM): I have other offers if your not interested

Scammer (5:34 PM): Hello, PayPal must have notified you about the payment because the money has been deducted from my account immediately am done with the payment, please check your email box for the payment confirmation and get back to me asap.

Me (5:35 PM): K. Gonna drive home. Ill check as soon as I get there

Scammer (5:36 PM): when you get home get back to me

Me (5:36 PM): Will do

Scammer (5:36 PM): okay

Scammer (5:41 PM): hope your paypal email account is correct?

Scammer (5:42 PM): i just realize that they have not deducted my money due to some error of paypal email account

Me (5:43 PM): No it looks good. I see it

Me (5:44 PM): Nope wait that may be something else. How much was it for?

Scammer (5:44 PM): hope you have check your paypal email account the have deducted my money

Me (5:45 PM): I see a transfer but the price seems wrong. How much was it for?

Scammer (5:45 PM): it was 9980

Me (5:46 PM): Okay, then I dont see it.

Me (5:46 PM): What paypal name did I give you? I may have messed it up

Scammer (5:47 PM): it was 11,180have add the mover money to it okay

Me (5:47 PM): Okay yes! I see that!

Scammer (5:48 PM): try and read all the instruction and get back to me okay

Me (5:48 PM): What instructions?

Scammer (5:50 PM): the money have been deducted from my account okay

Me (5:50 PM): Huh?

Scammer (5:52 PM): Please go through the payment confirmation email,because I just confirmed that PayPal want you to go to western union store and send t to protect both the buyer and seller,and the money is irreversible for the protection of the seller. He shipping fees out of your pocket before they can release the total funds into your account,this is due to their new security method

Me (5:53 PM): Ok. That makes sense

Me (5:53 PM): Shoot monkeys!

Scammer (5:55 PM): meaning, dont get you

Me (5:56 PM): I just looked at the sex chair I was gonna sell you. Turns out it was just a microphone that I must have left sitting on my dinner chair. Im so sorry for the mistake but I cant in good consciencse let you put that inside you. It would hurt. Its very rough.

Me (5:56 PM): What should I do with your money? I can still sell you the other one

Scammer (5:59 PM): I forget to inform you before making the payment,that there will be an excess funds on the payment,because the shipper want their money through western union,just help me to send the excess funds to the shipping company through western union as soon as you receive the payment and i will also include the western union charges, i would have love to pay them myself but there’s no nearest western union here.

Me (6:01 PM): Okay no problem. So your okay just getting the one chair?

Scammer (6:03 PM): send the Mover the moey for the money to be release in to your account once the money is release in to your account.. so we will know what to do with the money okay because the money as being deducted from my account it can not be reverse back okay

Me (6:04 PM): I get it. Its not a problem I just want to make sure your ok just getting 1 sex chair. If not I can send you back more of your money

Scammer (6:05 PM): no problem okay

Scammer (6:08 PM): when are you going to send the mover the money??

Me (6:13 PM): Sorry working on it

Scammer (6:15 PM): Okay just make it snappy okay because the money can’t be reverse back in to my account

Me (6:17 PM): toy-banana-in-a-bathtubShoot shoot shoot. I just realized that I dont actually own any sex chairs. I thought I did but it turns out that the other one was just a toy banana that got left in the tub. Do you still want it?

Scammer (6:20 PM): the money in to your account

Scammer (6:20 PM): You know what you have to find something doing with that money okay. Hurry up and send the Mover the money so that PayPal can release

Me (6:21 PM): Did you read my last txt?

Scammer (6:23 PM): hen are you going to send them the Money?

Scammer (6:23 PM): Yeah I want it but worry about the money go and send the mover the money so for the PayPal to release the money in to your account.. W

Me (6:24 PM): Okay just to be clear, you are willing to pay aprox $10,000 for a toy banana in a bath tub?

Scammer (6:25 PM): [The scammer called me at this point. It was almost impossible to understand him. I thought it was the connection so I hung up and called him back.]

Me: (6:26 PM): [This conversation was as indecipherable as before and it became clear to me that it wasn’t the connection. I’m pretty sure he was stoned. I told him to stick to txting so that I could understand him.]

Scammer (6:27 PM): What the fuck are you saying

Me (6:28 PM): Whats wrong?

Scammer (6:28 PM): Can’t buy your banana you didn’t tell me the condition before I proceed with the payment

Me (6:29 PM): I didnt know! How was I suppose to know the difference! They’re the same shape!

Me (6:29 PM): How can I make it right?

Scammer (6:29 PM): from my account okay

Scammer (6:29 PM): But all about try and send the Mover the money so that the money can be release in to your account because the money as been deducted

Me (6:30 PM): Why am I sending the mover money? You just said you didnt want he Banana! Shouldt I be sending you the money?

Scammer (6:30 PM): When the money get release in to your account, we have nothing to worry about

Me (6:31 PM): Okay. Its done.

Scammer (6:32 PM): to your account

Scammer (6:32 PM): You are not sending me the money , you are sending the freight inspection the money.. So that PayPal will release the total amount in

Scammer (6:33 PM): You will get there information in the PayPal payment instruction

Scammer (6:33 PM): Okay do you really get me and when are you going to do that?

Me (6:34 PM): I thought I did! What do you want from me!? Im just a humble man trying to make money by selling toy bananas as sex toys! This shouldnt be complicated!

Scammer (6:36 PM): But you have to let me know that before proceeding the payment for you

Me (6:37 PM): I told you that I didnt realize until just now!!

Scammer (6:37 PM): Am a humble man that didn’t like trouble, I stay away from trash all days of my life

Me (6:38 PM): Then why are you buying used sex toys on craigslist!? That will get you into trouble!

Scammer (6:39 PM): money in to your account

Scammer (6:39 PM): Okay I get you, for the money to be release back try and send the money to the freight inspection, so that they can release the total

Me (6:40 PM): I think I gave you the wrong email address. Try resending the money to

Scammer (6:44 PM): will now decide on how we do the money okay

Scammer (6:44 PM): Both of have nothing to be worry about because the money is gonna be release to your account once you send them the money okay.. So we

Scammer (6:45 PM): What the fuck, are you saying like this

Me (6:49 PM): Im saying I donnt know where you sent he sex banana toy chair money but it wasnt to me! What address and paypal name did you use?

Scammer (6:51 PM): Why are you doing like this

Me (6:51 PM): Like what?

Scammer (6:54 PM): I hate all this

Me (6:54 PM): But why?

Scammer (6:54 PM): Once you have seen the payment through your PayPal email account

Scammer (6:55 PM): You know what jusst go and send the money to freight inspection

Me (6:55 PM): I dont have your money! I dont remember what email and paypal name I gave you and I cant find it on my dumb phone. Just tell me what email and paypal name I gave you and I might be able to fix all this!

Scammer (6:56 PM): That is their new law from HQT to protect the buyer and the Selers

Me (7:00 PM): Look Todd—can I call you Todd?–I want to help you but I need you to help me first? What email did I give you? I forgot and I need it to help you

“Todd” (7:02 PM): I have to contact the FBI to intervene on this

Me (7:03 PM): Perfect! Maybe they can help us figure this all out. In the mean time do you have that email address?

Me (7:06 PM): Todd?

Todd (7:06 PM): Okay no problem

Me (7:07 PM): You got the email address?

Me (7:10 PM): Todd Im trying to help you but you got to get me that email address

Todd (7:11 PM): Fuck

Todd (7:11 PM): What did I do for you now

Todd (7:12 PM): Why doing this to me fed up

Me (7:13 PM): Okay okay. Tell ya what, if you just send me $3000 via Western Union, ill send you your banana and we’ll call this thing square.

Todd (7:19 PM): What the fuck are you doing?

Me (7:19 PM): I dont get it. Why havent you figured this out yet?

Todd (7:20 PM): I to told to send the mover so the can be delivered

Me (7:22 PM): Do you really still think Im being geniuine? Your sticking to your game?

Me (7:23 PM): I told you what I need from you. The email address I gave to you. Tell me what it was and we can finally end this thing!

Todd (7:24 PM): [The scammer tried to call me again. I hung up on him.]

Todd (7:25 PM): [I tried to write my next txt but he interupted it with another call. I again hung up and sent the following txt.]

Me (7:25 PM): Txt! Not call! I dont understand you when you call!

Me (7:28 PM): Are we done? Or are you gonna tell me that email address?

Todd (7:32 PM):

Todd (7:32 PM): I told you to send the money so the can be delivered

Me (7:33 PM): Todd thats disgusting. Why would you say that to me? This conversation is over.

Me (7:33 PM): Sleep well my sweet prince…


We’re All Gonna Die! An Exhortation Against the Worship of Health and Pseudoscience.

One of my all-time favorite musicians, William Shatner (no, really), has a song on his album Has Been titled “You’ll Have Time.” It’s a lovely song about how lots of people—really most people—are dead and soon, you’ll be dead too. At one point in this song he sing-speaks (as Shatner is wont to do):

This man is a poet.

This man is a poet.

Have I convinced you? Do you read my lips? This may come as news but it’s time You’re gonna die, you’re gonna die

By the time you hear this I may well be dead And you my friend might be next ‘Cause we’re all gonna die

Whew! Captain Kirk is spoutin’ some pretty free-range hormone-free truth here. I really do love this song. Musically its…well it’s hardly music…but lyrically I love hearing someone bluntly accept the inevitability of death without any hint of resentment.

Because death is just a thing that happens. It will likely be a pivotal moment for each of us but it will not be unique to any of us. We are all going to die. Most people understand this intellectually. However, more often than not it is a fact that is known but not internalized. Very few people grasp the certainty of death at their core. Continue reading

PART I: The Recovery of An Attached Parent

This is the first of a two part post discussing parenting. There is a point that I want to make in these posts but I don’t make it here in this first one. I will attempt to prove a thesis in my second post. This first one is more of a story and an introduction to me as a father. It is a controversial topic but I truly mean no offense to anyone, least of all parents working diligently to raise holy, happy, and healthy (in that order) children. I start out harsh, even angry, with Attachment Parenting because early on as a father I was harsher than I should have been. Bear with me and try to keep an open mind. This is my experience as a young husband struggling to become a young father. It is long but I believe that it is vital to understand my thought process in order to understand the point that I will make in my next post.

While I understand and believe that there is no harm in attachment parenting (and I readily agree with several facets of it), you should know that I am still openly and unabashedly resistant to it. My anger has subsided but I still believe there to be several serious problem associated with a rigorous and ideological fixation with Attachment Parenting especially within Catholic circles (this will be discussed more in the next post.) I don’t expect any parent to change their parenting based upon what I am saying here. And while I don’t utilize it myself and am openly wary of it, I don’t blame or judge or dislike any parent for using Attachment Parenting. I am simply offering an alternative viewpoint. Continue reading

A More In-Depth Critique of the Various Portions of the Film Noah

For this follow up post, I will break down and refute as best I can every major complaint that I have heard about the film Noah. They range in quality from understandable misconceptions to downright stupidity.Noah-Movie-Poster

Here we go:

COMPLAINT 1: Darren Aronofsky is an atheist.

REBUTTAL: So freaking what!? The director is an atheist. Big deal! All that means is that he does not believe that there is a personal omnipotent god out there. It doesn’t mean he hates religion. It doesn’t mean he hates the Bible. It doesn’t mean he hates the story of Noah. Continue reading

On Why the Film Noah Left Me Extraordinarily Disappointed and Downright Pissed in Ways that Few Films Have.

NOTE: Owing to the fact that this is my first blog post, I think it is safe to assume that everyone reading this knows who I am. In case you don’t, please read my “Stuff and stuff…” section so that you have some idea where I’m coming from before beginning.


The more I think about Darren Aronofsky’s film Noah, the more pissed I get. And when I say that I want you to understand that it really and truly gets my juices boiling. The last time I left a film so pissed, I was walking out of Bruno. Remember that movie? Spiritual sequel to Borat? Pissed off everyone no matter their demographic? Here’s a trailer in case you forgot:

TLDV (Too Long Didn’t View): Movie trailer showing that Bruno was so incredibly lowbrow and base that the Westboro Baptist Church boycotted it due to the fact that they found it to be just too dang harsh on homosexuals.(1) Continue reading